I was holding off on this post, with the hope that some of the photographers I saw out at the various stages would release pics that I could borrow, but it looks like I’ll have no such luck, and you’ll be stuck looking through my collection of cell phone shots. But first, let’s talk about the race!
Climb of my life. When I say that, you might be tempted to think it means I did well, but let me assure you, I have to be on A-plus-5-hour-energy-battery-acid-for-blood type form to climb with the normal folk. By “climb of my life,” I mean that I achieved a slightly better than average time, and I’m damn proud of it. I finished about 5 seconds below the median time and almost 14 seconds below the mean time, which put me at just about one quarter of one standard deviation on the fast side of things. Bear in mind, these numbers are springing forth from my 8-years-aged memory of statistics, but I’m at least 60% confident that they’re right. Anyway, from the beginning to the end of the prologue I neither used my littlest gear, nor cursed my mother for bringing me into a world where people voluntarily race up hills, so tack that onto my astoundingly OK finishing time, and I’ll call it a victory.
Andy Utz finished .64 standard deviations off the mean pace, and Veed was 1.83 back. So… Good climbers we are not, but we are awesome in math equations. Oh, and Andy’s brother, Big Zach the Hammer, puked out a solid Lara Bar while he was still riding, just a mere 400m from the finish line. I’m not sure what to say about that, other than I like that it happened. The upchuck most definitely didn’t go to waste; like ABC gum for gullible little kids, but ABS energy bar for gullible little squirrels. The “S” if for “swallowed”.
Briggs Hill Road Race:
One by one, the Gentle Lovers were popped off by climbs, cramps, or both. Sometimes we got back on, sometimes we didn’t. Personally, I really felt like I had a decent shot at this road race, but all of my competitors felt differently, especially once the grade was above 3 or 4%, so, you know, “whoops!” Thank god climbing season is over.
I must say, though, that the course was gorgeous, and a ton of fun. It would be awesome to make a return with some decent legs and fewer lbs on me, but even if I just had an exact repeat of this race, I’d enjoy it all over again.
I put on a silly helmet, a skin suit, and practiced being passed. My teammates did the same, though without the benefit of a pointy skid lid. I really wish there were pictures, because even more so than on climbs, TTs are where the Gentle Lovers’ cluelessness truly shines.
I’ve got to be honest, and tell you that the lack of toilet paper and the very dirty poetry in the port-o-potties was a bit more memorable than the crit. I deeply wish I could transcribe here some of the wisdom that graced my eyes while I was in those johns, killing myself slowly with wipes from industrial roughness napkins, purchased no doubt at the Lumberjack, Coal Miner, and Gypsy Bare Knuckle Boxer supply store, but the language was so vile and descriptive that, should I recreate it here, I’m positive this would be the last post I was ever welcome to type. You’ll have to use your imagination. A lot of it involved wieners and butts.
I was never in shape this year. I was getting back on my bike when everybody else was just flying, and the game of catch-up didn’t work out in my favor. That said, the Eugene Celebration Stage Race was amazingly fun anyway. It was a blast getting hammered on out in the sunshine, along beautiful roads, with hilarious teammates. Winning is so fantastic and addictive, but it’s really a treat to be reminded (continuously, for most of a season!) that bike racing is still an awesome entity even when you suck. I hope everybody else that sucked this weekend had a killer time too!
I gots no racin’ pics for ya, but I do have some shots of the weird ass house we rented! Enjoy
Held up with nails
Vivian and frogs
A home for fake frogs, guarded by a fake frog
Hang out with frogs, even when you’re naked!
This fix was proudly on display
Back to frogs
Haunted nude doll on the couch, featuring a bald spot…
… and body parts from multiple corpses dolls!
OK, time to go, that’s my rap. Hope to see some folks out at Het Meer this Sunday!
The Tiniest Sprinter